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Comedy Corner 

Abraham Foxperson and the Shiksa Operator

by the Marauding Mirror  

March 3, 2009 

Disclaimer: The following sketch is wholly fictional and does not purport to depict any person living or dead.  

Scene: The luxurious Manhattan penthouse office suite of the Always Defamation League’s national director, Abraham Foxperson, atop the ADL’s multi-story building has the trappings of power. Through a display window Foxperson looks down on the ramshackle United Nations building like his boyhood hero Hannibal looked down on Flaminius’ legions beside Lake Trasimene. He is speaking on a telephone at his vast mahogany desk from which he directs the defense of the Jewish people against an endless onslaught of zombie-like anti-Semites, lurching forward in the cause of mindless hatred.

Like any high-powered well-paid executive, Foxperson has a staff of trained switchboard operators who act as gatekeepers. Incoming calls are filtered and most are blocked altogether. Calls from junior politicians — anyone below Congressman — are handled by equally junior ADL officials. Those favored calls that are allowed through to the Chief are directed to one of many color-coded telephones on his desk. Each has a distinctive ring tone. This helps the Chief collect his thoughts appropriate to the group identity of the caller. Some of these telephones are:  

  • The Blue Phone: Loyal Jews, including representatives of other Jewish agencies. This rings with the theme tune to the 1960 film Exodus.  

  • The Black Phone: Intelligence reports from the ADL’s vast network of moles, private detectives, paid informants and defectors, upstanding Jewish citizens, righteous gentiles, and retired Mossad analysts. This rings with the theme tune to the 1960s comedy hit, Get Smart, created by Mel Brooks and starring Don Adams.  

  • The White Phone: Righteous gentiles. This rings with the theme tune to Stephen Spielberg’s film, Schindler’s List.  

  • The Red Phone: The President of the United States. This rings with a rendition of Hail to the Chief taken from the 1995 film, The American President, directed by Rob Reiner, written by Aaron Sorkin, and starring Michael Douglas.  

  • The Marble-Grey Phone: Members of the House of Representatives or the Senate. This rings with the popular 1950s song How Much is that Doggie in the Window?   

Background: The flu is making the rounds of the ADL building and some of the regular in-house switchboard operators are off sick and have been replaced by temporary staff hired from an agency. Although good with switchboards they are not completely familiar with ADL procedure.  

Foxperson is telephoning on the blue phone with an executive of another Jewish agency, discussing the responsibility of Jews to give to Jewish causes. Revenues have been down in recent years. “Malcolm, I know the historical trend looks bleak. My point is that we should never give up on Jewish givers. We have a proud tradition of philanthropy.” 

Malcolm: “Everyone values your spirit, Abe. But it can be counterproductive to push too hard . . .” 

Foxperson: “Oh, Malcolm, I’ve got an important call coming through. Can you hold? I’d like you to hear this too.” 

Malcolm: “Sure. I’ll put you on loudspeaker!” 

Switchboard operator on intercom: “Sir, Congressman William Jones on the marble-grey phone.”  

Foxperson picks up the phone. “Congressman Jones! Abraham Foxperson here. I’ve been expecting your call. How may I help you?” 

Congressman Jones’ voice was steady but subdued: “Hello Mr. Foxperson. Thank you for taking my call. As you know AIPAC asked me to speak with you about that matter reported in the New York Times on Monday concerning the Euro-American Support Group. They are confident that you can provide information that will support their view that I should end all contact.”  

Foxperson: “I hope you’ll go further than that, Mr. Jones.” 

Congressman Jones: “Please call me Bill.” 

Foxperson: “Bill, these extremists need to be condemned in no uncertain terms. We’ve been tracking them for some time. Have you read their profile on our website?”  

Congressman Jones: “Yes, I have. And just let me say how shocked I am at how these people deceived me. I thought they were decent Americans with genuine concerns. But it seems they’re interested in spreading hate. I can assure you, as I have assured AIPAC, that such views are repugnant to my Christian values. At no time did I go along with their anti-Israel policies. I was just temporarily confused.” 

Foxperson: “Bill my boy, I’m glad to hear that.”  

Congressman Jones: “The ADL website didn’t offer many specifics. I’ll be meeting the group’s representative next week and wish to firmly distance myself so it would really help if you could provide me with some additional information about their policies. They claim to defend white interests peacefully in the same way that minority groups defend theirs.”  

Foxperson: “Bill, wasn’t the website content enough? These people are nativists who hate immigrants. They are racists who have expressed concern about the number of non-whites entering the country. They believe that whites share a genetic heritage, and that whites should stick together. They argue that whites have an obligation to donate to white activist causes. They oppose intermarriage and are obsessed with maintaining white identity. They seek to build a white lobby to pressure our democratically elected representatives to restrict immigration and abolish affirmative action at universities. They want the border with Mexico closed against guest workers seeking a better life. They talk about crime committed by “illegal aliens.” They want undocumented workers, many who have lived in this country for decades, to be deported. These people believe it is appropriate to ask about government policy “Is it good for white Americans?” Bill, xenophobia is not something a politician should be associated with. Excessive ethnic feeling is something we at the ADL have steadfastly opposed for almost a century. Anyone who loves our diverse post-racial America should not only distance himself from this group but condemn it in no uncertain terms.”  

Congressman Jones: “Oh, I’m with you 100 percent on opposing xenophobia, Mr. Foxperson. The problem is that these people seem reasonable to me. They don’t express hatred. Instead they’re concerned about the welfare of their people.” 

Foxperson: “Ah, Bill, there’s the error, and it’s a grave one. The idea that white Americans are somehow distinct, that blacks and Hispanics and Jews are separate peoples is dangerous. The concept of race has no scientific basis. The fact is that we are all Americans. You might recall some years ago how Charles Lindbergh’s daughter confessed her father’s guilt in identifying Jews as a separate ethnicity. Well, this group that seeks legitimacy through association with you commits the same error.”  

Congressman Jones: “So your point is that whites and blacks and Hispanics and Jews do not have separate identities?” 

Foxperson: “The point is that it’s especially dangerous for whites to dwell on that because of the long track record of white racism and anti-Semitism. When minorities claim a separate identity, that is only a defensive position —  harmless really.” 

Congressman Jones: “Oh.” He paused, then: “What do you think is the opinion of the organized Jewish community?”  

Foxperson: “I think they would agree with me, but if you wish, I shall check with some trusted colleagues. Is it okay to put you on hold for a couple of minutes?” 

Congressman Jones: “Sure.” 

Foxperson asked the operator to give him the caller who was on hold and put the congressman on hold, assuming that she would cut off the latter. But the operator assumed that because one held caller was permitted to listen to a conversation this must be a general rule. When she put the congressman on hold she left his receiving channel open. Jones could overhear the conversation between Foxperson and Malcolm beginning and called out “Mr. Foxperson, I’m afraid I can still hear you! Mr. Foxperson! Hello?!”, but to no avail. Jones became the unwilling witness to the ensuing conversation.  

Foxperson: “Malcolm, you there?” 

Malcolm: “Yeah. I heard the conversation. Jones is from the Midwest, right? He’s a nice enough young man, though a little na´ve about the dangers of nativism. To answer his question, I have no doubt at all: The organized Jewish community would be horrified if any congressman accepted support from white racists.” 

Foxperson: “That’s what I told him. Jesus Christ! Why can’t these people listen? While you’re on the line, there’s something I wanted to add regarding our earlier conversation . . .” 

Malcolm: “Shouldn’t you be getting back to Jones?” 

Foxperson: “He wants my help; he can wait! I just wanted to say that any Jew of good upbringing, of well-formed character and basic decency can be expected to give generously to help his people. It doesn’t matter if he’s observant or not, liberal or conservative. It’s just something that a well-rounded person should do. It’s like caring for one’s family. We in the organized community have a right to expect Jews of all backgrounds to give, and to give generously.”  

Malcolm: “Abe, the fact is that revenues are down and it’s a long-term trend. Besides, our revenues are still way ahead of all other ethnic groups combined. We see no risk of that situation changing. Aren’t you being too idealistic?” 

Foxperson: “Yes, it is idealistic and that is called for when our people are in peril. You know the figures on intermarriage—makes me want to vomit. And the demographics are still going against Israel continuing as a Jewish state. Okay, they have effectively outlawed intermarriage but there are continued demands by Arab extremists for non-discriminatory immigration to the Holy Land!. Anti-Semitism is on the rise in Europe. America could follow. The red-neck states are not yet sufficiently diversified to submerge the nativists. We have an untested new president . . .” 

Malcolm: “You haven’t detected any animus . . .?” 

Foxperson: “No. Obama said all the right things at AIPAC before the election. In fact he was more credible than Hillary. Her groveling was embarrassing. Her talk about annihilating Iran was reassuring but struck many as contradicting her long-stated principles. It made her look like a sellout to the so-called “Israel lobby.” It is true that Obama is comfortable with Jewish colleagues. It’s just that he has a background of leftist idealism that could reemerge. He has not yet come through for Israel when the heat is on. I hope he works out.”   

Malcolm: “I’m sure you’ll keep an eye on the situation.”  

Foxperson: “You bet I will. Thanks. But we shouldn’t let funding slide. There is nothing more natural than to support the Jewish people when they’re in need. In fact anyone who doesn’t do so is behaving shamefully. They really are self-hating Jews. We should emphasize that point in our fund-raising literature.”  

Malcolm: “Right Abe. One thing that struck me about the group trying to win Jones’ favor is their concern with genetics. Disturbing in their case, of course, but it reminds me of an issue that arose some years ago. I notice the ADL website did not criticize Charles Bronfman for praising Jewish genetic similarity and continuity. Do you think that the right of return should be conditional on passing a DNA test?”

Foxperson: “Genetics is not my thing but I understand Charles’ sentiments. He was not expressing hatred of anyone, just talking about how close he feels to Jews around the world, like they’re family. I feel the same way. That’s a positive sentiment. The ADL won’t criticize peaceful expressions such as that. After all, they’re good for the Jewish people. You know there is a great deal of genetic similarity among Jews, and that proves the authenticity of our claim to the land of Israel as our ethnic homeland. It is only natural that Jews should have a country they can call their own, one that offers safe haven in bad times. As for the right of return, genetic testing might be appropriate. I can see that argument. After all, many Palestinians also claim a right to return to Israel, so genetic screening might come in useful. But the ADL won’t be coming out on this one, for or against; raises too many issues.”  

Malcolm: “Right. All good points Abe, as usual.”  

Foxperson: “Now our Congressman has waited long enough. See you later Malcolm.”  

Malcolm: “Right. Be in touch.”  

Foxperson asked the operator to reconnect him with the Congressman. “Bill, thanks for holding. I just spoke with several senior representatives of the Jewish community and they agree with me that . . .  

Congressman Jones: “Mr. Foxperson, I’m afraid I overheard your conversation.”  

Foxperson: “You did? I, I . . .” 

Congressman Jones: “You spoke with one person named Malcolm. It seems my white loyalist constituents are not such extremists, or perhaps you and they belong in the same boat.”  

Foxperson: “Bill, I admit my language can be robust in private. But please try to understand my point of view. I don’t believe it’s correct to draw any moral equivalence between Jews and Christians. Christians have persecuted Jews for centuries. They persecuted them before they were Christians. It is Jews’ victimhood that causes and thus excuses their ethnic loyalty. Also, Christians have had nations for a long time but Jews only got theirs back in 1948 after almost 2,000 years of persecution. Israel represents the Jews’ turn at having a nation, and that can’t be done without some nativism, as distasteful as that is in principle. But recall that Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East. Christian and Muslim nativism cannot be justified. There is always the risk that they will persecute Jews and other minorities. So we really cannot apply the same standards to the two groups.”   

Congressman Jones: “This is all too complicated for me and it doesn’t really matter. All I want is to reassure AIPAC that there is no need to unseat me.  I shall be distancing myself from that nativist group and condemning it. I hope you can put in a good word with AIPAC.”  

Foxperson: “I’ll see what I can do but there will be conditions. Thanks for your call Bill. Let us never give up the fight against bigotry.”  


Press Release by Congressman William Jones

Congressman William Jones today condemned the Euro-American Support Group as nativists and extremists. Previous association with the group had been an error, the Congressman stated. A senior member of the Congressman’s staff responsible for opening dialog with the nativist group had been fired and a letter of apology had been sent to Abraham Foxperson of the ADL. The Congressman promised to visit the Museum of Tolerance when next in Los Angeles.

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