The following article was originally posted by Diversity Chronicle, a satirical website. It is reposted here by permission. August 10, 2014 · by
Diversity Chronicle wishes to thank Mr. Tenison’s daughter, Silvia, aged seven, who overheard her father admit that he once laughed at a racial joke. She promptly contacted our staff to report the incident. She deserves praise for showing the courage to expose her own father’s racist views and to publicly denounce them. Mr. Tenison’s wife of over twenty years also chose to denounce her husband and his views and to disassociate herself from them. She has vowed to initiate immediate divorce proceedings. Mrs. Tenison stated, referring to her husband, that she “would like to strangle him to death for his racism!”
During his interrogation, it was also revealed that Mr. Tenison sometimes listens to pretentious opera music, revealing sympathy for degenerate forms of aristocratic and upper-class entertainment. Mr. Tenison’s wife also reported hearing her husband on at least two occasions, expressing dislike and confusion over modern art. He stated words to the effect that “anything passes for art today.” Mr. Tenison’s ugly classism, as manifested in his reactionary attitudes toward modern art and music no doubt stems from his privileged affluent white upbringing in London’s wealthy upper west side.
So often, individuals express startlingly shocking racist views in their private conversations, phone calls and e-mails with friends and family members. Henceforth, all white employees of Diversity Chronicle have agreed to allow all of their private e-mails and letters to be screened by our offices for possible racism. We have also installed recording devices on their telephones so that we can monitor them for racist and reactionary hate speech. Additionally, we have set up “Hate Defeating Boxes” in every room of our offices. Employees may now inform on suspected racists easily and anonymously by simply depositing a small card into a box with the name of the suspected racist on it. Never again will racists be permitted to be in our employ! We will route out racism wherever we find it!
The hate criminal Albert Haeckel, a former assistant editor at Diversity Chronicle has also been terminated. During his own confession, John Tenison stated that he once overheard Mr. Haeckel being asked about his propensity for wearing white suits to work. He replied “I just prefer to wear white, I guess.” Mr. Haeckel’s admitted preference for things white reveals a deep-seated subconscious racism that we will tolerate no longer! These views have no place at Diversity Chronicle and no place in our society!
For several hours during his confession Mr. Haeckel, aged sixty seven, attempted to deny his racism as most racists invariably do! It was only after spending over 48 hours tied up in the basement of our offices with the lights out that Haeckel finally began to admit that he was at least a “subconscious racist.” Haeckel then agreed to sign a written confession admitting his racism and denouncing his views and counter-progressive attitudes. During questioning, Haeckel admitted that one of his cousins has a son who once attended a disgusting Tea Party movement meeting, yet Mr. Haeckel failed to sever all ties with his cousin and still spoke to him by phone “once or twice a year!”
Revealing a long pattern of deep-seated racism, it was also discovered that at his former place of employment Mr. Haeckel once promoted a young white woman over an African-American male, making a privileged white an assistant editor at that publication. After several hours Mr. Haeckel broke down crying and apologized for his ugly, racist and inexcusable actions. He vowed that he would hang himself upon returning home, recognizing that he rightly deserved death for his crimes and racist attitudes.
The hate criminal Barbara Madison, a former secretary at Diversity Chronicle, has been terminated. Ms. Madison was exposed during Mr. Tenison’s confession. Ms. Madison admitted that she once told an immigrant’s rights activist that she “couldn’t understand” her and asked her to “speak slower.” This activist spoke English with a very slight accent and Ms. Madison, who is white, merely pretended not to understand her in a manifestation of her desire to assert her position as a privileged white supremacist. Ms. Madison’s cruel and hateful actions will never again be tolerated.
During her interrogation Ms. Madison also initially attempted to deny her racism, citing her membership in progressive organizations and her many years of activism as an unpaid volunteer. She even resorted to using the most common tactic racists adopt to deflect accusations of racism, claiming she had “friends” who were African-American! She even claimed she “only dates black men.”
After several hours of appeals to admit her crimes and denounce her racist views, Ms. Madison began crying and finally acknowledging her racism. In a pathetic and pitiful display, she began begging for leniency and vowed to reform herself and dedicate her life to fighting racism. As she threw herself on the floor grovelling and grabbing our shoes, we called security, and our African-American security staff quickly threw her out of the building!
Diversity Chronicle apologizes for having once unknowingly employed white racists. We vow to adopt stronger measures than ever before to prevent any reoccurrences of these tragic events. We commit ourselves anew to defending diversity and combating hatred, bigotry, and intolerance wherever it may be found! If any member of the public should overhear, become aware of, or suspect for any reason that any person employed by Diversity Chronicle harbours racist views, we urge you to contact us immediately. With your help, we will work to smash racism forever!
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