“It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.”
― Jonathan Swift
It is truly a melancholy sight to walk through the great cities and towns of the West today and observe the countless corpses of Black scientists, engineers, and philosophers left behind by the brutal White officers of the law. In the long illustrious history of the African, replete as it is with towering artistic and architectural genius, and the most humane social advancements, we see him now at his lowest and most persecuted ebb. This is our bitter and enduring shame. We have, of course, always attempted to render this noble people completely unable to employ their myriad talents. For more than a century we’ve stopped them from working in the higher echelons of our society by requiring of them something entirely invented and fictitious (so-called “aptitudes”), and we have exerted our fiercest efforts in preventing them from gaining footholds in maths and physics. Even when they engaged in a race-wide conspiracy to consistently fake their test scores in order to come out lowest of all groups, we weren’t fooled by their attempt to sneak to the top of our society. Although stubborn in the past, we must confess now that we have blocked their progress at every turn, and we did this for the selfish reason that we always wanted a large, welfare-dependent class into which to dump our vast unwanted excess tax revenue.
Quite why the apex of our White fanaticism distilled in the police force remains, for now, a mystery. I think it is agreed by all parties, and attested by the celebrated African Studies pioneer (and, some say, a 17th-generation Holocaust survivor) Herschel Hertzberg, that the first Christ-like Black fell under a hail of malicious bullets sometime in the early 18th century, when the LAPD launched a daring and brutal raid for slaves among the skyscrapers and opera houses of placid Togo and Sierra Leone. It is a barely suppressed secret that these slaves and their technological prowess were later put to work designing and constructing every building in America. It is a sad fact, however, that even though Africans built America, from that first sorry moment in West Africa to the present, history has witnessed a steady progression of unwarranted and unnecessary police violence against this most peaceful and prosperous population. In fact, all current social problems in our deplorable civilisation can be attributed to this one pernicious reality. Gender bigotry, pay gaps, and even diabetes all have their origins in the fact our police forces have become obsessed with preventing Black people from breathing.
This sordid and murderous fixation among the police is the major question of our time, and since it strikes me that whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of solving this matter of unceasing systemic police racism would receive much public acclaim, I now venture my own modest proposal. I do so having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the proposed schemes of our esteemed experts — all of which I have found lacking. Most important of all, I have carefully examined the apparent aims of Black civil unrest to determine precisely what it is that this oppressed people really desires. I believe my proposal will satisfy all parties and finally bring peace.
1. Reject Equality Under the Law
The foremost aspect of my scheme, and one of its great advantages, is that it finally aims to release the African from the bigotry of equality. It was one of the greatest tricks of the sneaky European to convince the African that being equal under the law was a good thing. Being “equal” was the bait, but the law was quite obviously the hook. The roots of our historical racial conflict are unquestionably that Blacks are unfairly placed under a system of laws in which they are asked to adhere to the same behavioral standards as other groups. This same system craftily paves the way for Blacks to become regarded as “criminals” when they innocently stumble into such commonplace situations as rape, robbery, and murder. The bigoted subjection of the gifted African-Americans (and their counterparts in Canada, Europe, and Australia) to equality under European-derived law has led to such injustices as disproportionate incarceration, and the spreading of fantastical stereotypes of Blacks as prone to violent and impulsive behavior. Only knowledgable observers, aware of the peace, prosperity and innovation that has come to be the byword for modern Africa, can discern that there is something horribly amiss in this situation.
The Black population has cried out, and I alone seem to have listened. The first step of my proposal is therefore to remove the burden of law from the Black population. The immediate benefits are obvious. The phenomenon of malicious “Karens” calling the police when they feel intimidated by loitering or advancing Blacks will disappear into history where it belongs. These bigoted women can call the police all they want, but upon receiving an elementary description of the stalker, the police would be forced to hang up. The law will simply not apply to those of African origin. It should be obvious that no harm will come from such a simple and beautiful measure, and only benefits can abound. Under the existing system, Black men who corner and verbally or physically intimidate White women can be made to feel vulnerable and alienated when that woman calls the police in sheer terror. This dynamic is obviously a major driver of Black emotional damage, and other forms of social injustice. Under the new arrangement, however, Black stalkers would be spared such indignities, and the woman would be secure in the knowledge that no matter what happens to her thereafter, at least no crime will be committed.
White female fear must be ignored if social justice is to prevail
2. Adequate Compensation
A potential problem might arise in the event that a police officer accidentally but fatally harms an African-American during the course of his duties policing the uncontrollable behavior of Whites. In this regard, my careful analysis of recent Black demands leads me to suggest a scheme of social and material compensation for Black lives. Black Lives Matter — we know this, but how much do they matter? Only once the current phase of peaceful protest comes to a conclusion will we know the true tally, but rough guidelines can be discerned in the compensation thus far acquired for the life of St. George of Floyd. Using a combination of estimates and confirmed city figures, the average African-American death at the hands of a White amounts to around 1,569 pairs of athletic shoes, 2,962 gallons of alcoholic beverages, approximately 865 high-end phones and tablets, around $2 million in designer label clothing, between 30–50 badly beaten Whites, the entire contents of several low-cost supermarkets, and somewhere in the region of 100 fully incinerated buildings.
London Riots, 2011: Sports footwear has long demonstrated emotional healing properties for the African
Under my proposal, and for the sake of future social justice and harmony, a reserve of compensatory items must be held in the care of every city government, where they can be dispensed in the event of an accidental Black fatality. A suitable area within the city, comprising roughly of six or seven blocks, should be set aside in such fashion that emotionally-attacked Africans can, at a moment’s notice, assuage their mental anguish by, for example, breaking into a pre-prepared warehouse full of well-displayed sports footwear, and launching cathartic raids on faux Target supermarkets replete with actors portraying fleeing staff. Local shooting ranges might also be converted to offer the therapeutic breaking of glass to Black citizens. Through their use of such edifying provisions, Black people can not only display their maturity and ancient wisdom, but also set a stellar example to other groups about how people should react when they feel aggrieved.
3. Symbolic Change
Simply freeing Blacks from the law and providing them with the healing tools of chaos is, of course, far from sufficient to redress the many thousands of years of oppression that we have brought upon these children of the sun. It should be obvious to any sane observer that the best way to heal racial divisions is to encourage, and even force, one of the opposing parties to kiss the feet of the other. Only by such open displays of subservience and submission can we achieve true parity in social relations. A recent, and related, heartwarming development has been the removal of statues throughout the country, especially those of the notorious police officer Robert E. Lee. Along with righteously purloined Gucci accessories, this will go some way towards further soothing Black pain, but the question remains as to what might occupy the newly vacant plinths. My suggestion? That in the name of ending systemic racism, every plinth formerly used to commemorate White race-terrorists should be home now to a giant sculpture of a black foot. This black foot can then be ceremonially kneeled before, and White citizens of especially high standing can be made to approach and kiss the foot in an act of solemn racial reconciliation. This ceremony could be performed on one of the many days and months now dedicated to the Black population, especially on St. George Floyd Day which should surely now be instituted without delay.
An artist’s impression of what might soon be called the “Joycean Method” for social harmony
4. End of all Physical Contact Policing
This aspect of my modest proposal isn’t directly linked to ending systemic racism, but it is an essential step in improving the social environment and making it safer for White allies to protest on behalf of Black victims. Social media has recently been awash with horrific footage of police officers touching, holding, and even moving or pushing peaceful protesters. These unprovoked assaults normally occurred in the midst of efforts at Black emotional healing, such as arson, looting, mass vandalism, and attempts to breach Secret Service barricades and encroach on the White House. While the measures proposed here would remove Black people from the burden of laws, White allies may still find themselves being physically touched by police while in the course of peaceful allyship. This can no longer be tolerated in a sane and just society. Moves must urgently be taken to end all unwanted physical contact between police officers and suspected “criminals,” with interaction between parties now based on one of the key precepts of our times: consent. Police officers can and should ask all suspects if they have permission to touch, hold, or restrain them, and they must be instructed during training that “No means No.”
5. Confront Capitalism
All progress on the proposals outlined above will, of course, depend on a successful confrontation with capitalism. Thankfully, Blacks as revolutionary subjects of the class struggle have thus far been supported by the power of labor, in the form of Amazon, Apple, Coca-Cola, Ford, Facebook, LEGO, Sony, Microsoft, Citigroup, Nike, YouTube, most banks, the entertainment industry, and the overwhelming majority of the political establishment. Only by enlisting the support of brave allies like these can we ever hope to overcome The Man and topple the power structure. We obviously can’t ignore the equally vital contribution of our friends in Antifa, who innovated some of the early strategies that will undoubtedly lead to the collapse of the status quo. Consider, for example, the effectiveness of destroying the few examples of Black-built economic infrastructure in many towns and cities, along with the major stores that provided low-skill employment to the Black demographic. Sure, the major companies will have adequate insurance for all their liabilities, and probably won’t be harmed at all. But they may well decide that these areas are now too high-risk to attempt a re-opening, and so they’ll take their filthy capitalist jobs and facilities elsewhere, leaving Blacks to bask at last in freedom from local services, retail stores, and gainful employment. This was quite the stroke of genius from Antifa, and is one of the main reasons they’ve been applauded and supported by the groups listed above. They are simply indispensable to the cause of social harmony and the overthrow of capitalism.
6. Clarity of Message
A particular concern of mine in recent days has been the lack of clarity surrounding the name “Black Lives Matter.” Africans have long been renowned for their high regard for the sanctity of the lives of their neighbors, something attested to by the famously low homicide rates within their communities. We see this also in the parasitical phenomenon of “White flight,” whereby Whites constantly seek to move to Black-dominant areas to share in the quietude and safety offered by those locations. Some doubts remain, however, as to the clarity and reach of the message of Black Lives Matter among Whites.
Is this clear enough? Unfortunately not.
Although streets in Washington D.C. have been renamed “Black Lives Matter,” and then literally covered with the slogan, it’s clear that someone, somewhere doesn’t understand that Black lives matter. They may not have heard the slogan. We know this because Black people continue to die in homicides, and the only explanation is that White people, and especially the police, haven’t received the message and therefore don’t value Black lives. It really shouldn’t need to be repeated here, but even when an African-American is peacefully protesting against the systemic racism of a police officer by passively rushing him and attempting to take his gun, the first thought in that officer’s head should always be: “Black Lives Matter.” It urgently needs to be made the first principle in all law enforcement training, and all self-defense methodologies at police academies should be adapted to include the “take the knee” posture. Only by total acquiescence to the physical assaults of so-called Black “criminals” can our communities find peace and security. To this end I’ve developed and copyrighted a short mantra that could be repeated by anxious police officers confronted by extremely peaceful protesters:
Forget the guns, Forget the knives,
What matters most are
Some law enforcement volunteers enjoying a mantra rehearsal session
7. Dump Trump
This is one of the more controversial aspects of my proposal, but please bear with me. First, we have to acknowledge the fact that President Trump has single-handedly lowered Black unemployment since taking office by creating beautiful jobs, often in marketing the peaceful and much-loved State of Israel.
Towards Meaningful Black Employment: Marketing the Diverse, African-Loving Sate of Israel
Trump also recently took the unprecedented step of proclaiming June to be African-American Music Appreciation Month. Trump’s message: Black Music Matters. In the middle of a worldwide health scare, an economic crisis, and escalating systemic racism, we should concede that Trump offered thanks to Sam Cooke, Little Richard, Ray Charles and others for their “classic guitar riffs, memorable hymns and uplifting beats.” We also can’t forget the recent justice system reforms that released many Black “criminals” from prisons.
Trump, however, is not a friend of African-Americans. He repeatedly called for the National Guard to be deployed against peaceful African-American protests throughout the country, and expressed horror and disgust at the perfectly natural need for Blacks to find solace in Smart TVs and several new pairs of shoes. This should never be forgotten, and it has proven what Jewish and Antifa allies have often asserted: Orange Man Bad. We should, of course, always have known this. We can’t plead innocence now. All the hallmarks of Fascism were there to see:
- Open opposition to intermarriage with Jews, especially in his own family
- Repeated hostility toward Israel, our greatest in the Middle East and a beacon of human rights
- Unwavering hostility toward LGBT+ dogma around the world
- The launching of a worldwide campaign to promote anti-Semitism
- Total suppression of Antifa, our greatest friends in the war against capitalism
- Open support of pro-White activity
- Repeated public opposition to multiculturalism and diversity
- Opposition to all forms of immigration including hundreds of thousands of “skilled” foreign workers
We sleepwalked into the second coming of Hitler. We desperately need to get this man out of office.
8. Jewish Exemption
It should be universally acknowledged that Jews aren’t White and should therefore be exempt from the obligations suggested for the White community. Jews have a long and storied history as friends of the Black community, from their ancient texts that lovingly jested that Blacks were cursed, to their attempts to bring huge numbers of their African entrepreneurial trade partners to the New World (under the guise of “slaves” to dupe the White oppressors). Even today these bonds remain strong. Where would Black people be today if it were not for the Jewish landlords, store owners, and pawn brokers that shape the very best of the world they live in. Even in Israel, African needs are met without even a request needing to be made. Just consider, for a moment, the thoughtfulness of an Israeli government that took the initiative to inject Ethiopian immigrants with birth control without troubling to ask. No other government would take such concern in the reproductive health of its Black population. And during the peaceful protests of the last week, we can be sure that Jewish allies were strongly represented among the Antifa peace brokers, urging Blacks again and again to take their rightful share from the bigoted Whites.
9. Segregation of Problematic Whites
This is probably the harshest and most radical of my proposals, and the one most likely to be fiercely contested by racists. It seems clear to me that some elements of the White population will simply never accept the proposals made here, and wish to irrationally remain in their bigotry. They will never agree to do their part to end systemic racism. At a certain point, I argue, we will have to accept that, and leave them to wallow in the decrepitude that their civilization is certain to decline to. One only needs to look at the European past to see the degraded state of the European without African influence.
Chaotic and disorderly scenes in a primitive medieval European shanty town
If Black lives don’t matter to these people then we will be forced to say that their lives don’t matter to us. They should be apportioned a vast tract of land in which they would be forced to live with one another, attempting in the inevitable chaos to build their own infrastructure — this time without Blacks building their entire country. You can already imagine their horror at the news that they would be condemned to an existence without the beneficent hand of multiculturalism. It will be a Hell on earth, but they will deserve it. For the rest of us, the end of systemic racism will usher in an age of beauty and peace, harmony and good will.